Text retyped by David A. Gerstein
Title: A Big Thirst and a Little Wife.
Park. A husband and wife are seated on a park bench. When he goes for a drink at the park cafeteria, she remains behind, sniffing at a rose.
Title: A wrecker of homes.
Charlie, at a nearby fountain, catches sight of her and smiles hopefully. Inadvertently, he sprays himself with water, almost knocking his hat off. She is amused at his antics but recoils when he takes her laughter as an invitation to sit beside her. But he immediately leaps up from the bench -- having sat down on her thorny rose.
Title: "Something attacked me in the rear."
Pulling it from the seat of his pants, he graciously hands it to her, but she tosses it to the ground and haughtily turns her back on him.
Title: "We seem to be getting along well together." He turns away from her, masking a grin, and crossing his legs. He rubs her dress with his boot. When she protests, he tucks the offending boot under his knee and tries to strike up a conversation with her, but she ignores him again. Charlie is not to be put off that easily, however.
Park cafeteria. The husband, in the process of lighting a cigar, notices his wife apparently flirting with another man.
Title: "My wife -- with a lady-killer." He is outraged.
Actually, she is waggling her finger at Charlie to protest his unwelcome attentions. But Charlie seizes the opportunity to grasp her hand and kiss it. Then he puts both his legs on her lap. She is appalled, but Charlie finds the situation highly entertaining until the husband dashes up and starts slapping him. When he objects, the husband grabs him by the neck and shoves him over the bench into some bushes.
Title: "Take a back seat -- you rusty Romeo."
He angrily grabs his wife by the arm and marches her away. Charlie picks himself up and exits.
Street. The husband and wife are heading home.
Exterior of tavern. Charlie has arrived.
Title: Love is a thirsty business.
Exterior of hotel. The husband pushes his wife through the entrance.
View of hotel foyer as they enter.
Exterior of tavern. Charlie exits. He is drunk. He strikes a match on a cop. The cop brandishes his nightstick. Charlie flees.
Hotel foyer. Husband and wife pass through. Quarreling furiously, they head upstairs to their room.
Street. Charlie, obviously drunk, is narrowly missed by a car. He runs into difficulties negotiating his passage across the trolley-car tracks.
Exterior of hotel. Charlie flops down on a bench. He tries to flirt with a young woman, but she shoves him back onto the bench and enters the hotel. He tries to pursue her, but she slams the hotel door in his face.
Hotel foyer. Charlie is just in time to see the young woman heading upstairs. He makes his way over to the reception desk, tripping over the bandaged, gouty foot of a guest (who is promptly knocked off his chair).
Hotel room. The wife looks on with disgust as her husband takes a swig from a liquor bottle. Then she grabs the bottle and takes a swig for herself.
Hotel foyer. Charlie tries to flirt with two girls, but they are unresponsive.
Title: "Who does the hat with the feathers belong to?"
Charlie looks into the hotel register to see if he can locate the young woman's room number. The gouty guest protests Charlie's treatment of him, but Charlie merely laughs and tosses the register at him.
Hotel room. Husband and wife are quarreling.
Title: "After twenty years of married life I find you flirting with a scavenger."
Hotel room. Quarrel continues.
Hotel foyer. Charlie tries to get up the staircase. He almost reaches the top, but falls on his face and slides all the way down. Undaunted, he makes a second attempt -- this time followed by the gouty guest. Unsuccessful again, he falls backward -- onto the gouty guest -- and the two men land in a heap at the foot of the staircase. The two girls help them up. Now the gouty guest goes up first, assisted by the girls. Faring no better than Charlie, he falls backward with the two girls and the threesome lands on top of Charlie. At last, the girls get the gouty guest all the way up. Charlie then makes his third assault on the staircase. Tottering from one step to another, he finally loses his balance and topples backward, doing a somersault right into the foyer.
Hotel room. As a maid brings a jug into the room, the husband and wife suspend their quarrel. The maid sniggers as she sees the wife, fully dressed, sitting coyly on the bed while her husband stares vacantly at her. As soon as the maid leaves, the quarrel starts up again.
Staircase. Charlie is wearing a hat belonging to one of the girls. She dashes down the stairs and grabs it from him. He tries to chase her up the staircase, and after two more failures, he finally succeeds.
Upstairs corridor. Smoking a cigarette, Charlie comes upon the gouty guest leaving his room. He kicks him back through the door; then he starts to lurch drunkenly along the corridor.
Hotel room. The wife is assaulting her husband and he endeavors to pacify her. They sit on the bed.
Corridor. Charlie tries to unlock the door of their room using a cigarette as a key.
Title: "Ah, locked!"
Corridor. Realizing that the door is unlocked, he enters the room.
Hotel room. The husband and wife, now locked in a passionate embrace, are horrified at his intrusion, but Charlie hasn't noticed them. Looking in a mirror, he tries to brush his hat as if it's his hair. He takes a swig of liquor, wipes his mouth on the wife's hairpiece, and inadvertently tosses it aside -- into the husband's face. Seething with anger, the husband rises from the bed, accuses his wife of an intrigue with the intruder, and boots Charlie into the corridor.
Title: "Out you go -- you he-vamp."
Hotel room. Husband and wife immediately resume their quarrel.
Corridor. [Charlie] picks himself up and staggers into . . .
Opposite room. He starts undressing. He wipes his boots on his shirtfront and gets caught up in his own pants. He is wearing pajamas beneath his clothes. Then he flops into bed for a well-earned rest.
First hotel room. The husband gives up on the quarrel. Leaving his wife to sleep things off, he exits.
Opposite room. Charlie removes a hairbrush from his bed.
Corridor. The husband heads down the corridor -- perhaps to solace himself at the nearest tavern.
Opposite room. Charlie places his boots under his pillow.
Title: Midnight -- the sleep walker.
First hotel room. The wife rises from the bed and starts to walk in her sleep.
Street. The husband is caught in a rainstorm. He heads back to the hotel.
Opposite room. The wife enters, sleepwalking. She sits down on Charlie's bed. Charlie, also asleep, reaches out and touches her. Waking up, he is astonished to find her in his room.
Title: "Whoever sent you must have owed me a grudge."
Still in her sleep, she locates his pants -- as if they are her husband's -- and searches for money. Charlie gently removes them from her grasp.
First hotel room. The husband, soaking wet, has returned to discover that his wife is missing. Alarmed, he calls out for her.
Opposite room. Charlie hears the frantic husband. Anxious to allay his suspicions, he dashes into . . .
Corridor. He tells the husband:
Title: "I'm itching to throttle someone."
Corridor. The husband stamps away angrily.
Opposite room. Re-entering, Charlie is shocked to find the wife sleeping in his bed. He wakes her. She gets frantic. He tries to pacify her.
Corridor. He sees that the coast is clear.
Taking the wife by the hand, he leads her back to her own room.
Title: "Keep calm -- I'll be quite all right."
Foyer. The husband questions the desk clerk and finds that his wife has not left the hotel. He heads upstairs again.
First hotel room. Charlie tries to calm the wife by offering her a drink. She refuses -- so he takes a swig himself. He is about to leave when he spies the husband along the corridor. The wife hastily pushes him out onto the balcony.
Balcony. It's raining, and Charlie gets drenched.
Exterior of hotel. A passing cop notices him and thinks he's a burglar. Pulling out his gun, he blasts away.
Balcony. Charlie is hit in the rear end.
First hotel room. Howling with pain, Charlie leaps in, landing on top of the husband.
Charlie dashes back to his own room for safety.
Hotel foyer. Several Keystone Kops burst into the hotel.
Corridor. The Kops try to seize the husband. He manages to convince them that it is Charlie they are after. They rush to Charlie's room to arrest him.
Opposite room. Charlie regains his courage, flings open the door.
Corridor. He knocks down the Kops. They flee ignominiously while Charlie and the husband square off. Charlie kicks him into . . .
Opposite room. The husband flops onto Charlie's bed.
Corridor. The wife faints in Charlie's arms; the pair of them collapse onto the floor.
Text retyped by David A. Gerstein